It has been ten days since I experienced the devastation of a debilitating medical condition, a stroke. Ten days since the miraculous intervention by medical science which rendered the impact of that stroke void. Ten days to consider what might have been. Ten days to marvel at the gift of life and the joy of appreciating complete restoration. Ten days to be grateful, to give thanks, to wonder what’s next. And in ten days I wonder if I have really gotten any of it at all.
It is like taking a deep breathe and diving deep into the clear water of a sunlit pool teeming with life. How far can you go? How much is enough? Without the danger of losing what you enjoy, what can you take in? These ten days have gone from fear to astonishment, to relief, to exhilaration, to great humility.
I am sure I left out a myriad of emotions and experiences between all of those. Thoughts move faster than fingers and words just seem to get in the way. The power of presence, the strength of a hug, even the depth of a glance into the eyes are beyond my human ability to comprehend. Yet, I know their value is immense. I am certain time has stood still as I considered some of the what ifs. I remember breathing again. Which meant I had held my breath, sometimes without knowing why.
Far more eloquent and profound expositions have been accomplished than what I attempt here. People who have walked longer in agony, stayed deeper in despair, lost more of the living they had looked forward to than I, have related greater truths than I can hope to. I recognize the limitations of my experience. I know the gift of understanding life in its deepest purposes is reserved for those who are taught its harshest lessons. I am grateful I am not a Job, or parent holding their child’s still warm lifeless body . I cannot fathom the depth of the wisdom and knowledge of God nor the height of the peace which passes all understanding.
I have only been given ten days to assess the impact of one event on the hopes and dreams in my heart and in the hearts of those closest to me. On the way to the hospital my thoughts were of a bleak difficult burdensome future for those whose lives would be enslaved by the need to attend to my lack. How would I cope with the dis-function and disability? Would I ever be able to write, to speak clearly, to be an encourager to others? I became the victim who saw the wall of circumstances tumbling over on top of them. Hope was not a consideration, fear and uncertainty ruled the moment. The prayers of hundreds of God fearing believers called for an answer.
Lingering doubts are hard to shake. We tend to believe the other shoe will fall. Yet God is gracious to whom He is gracious and His ways are past finding out. My strength is nothing without His. My desires are wasted if they are not His. My life has but one purpose, to bring Him glory. Whether I shake, rattle or roll, I am intended to do all for Him, for His purpose. I just took another breath. It is a gift from Him. My heart is still beating. It is a gift from Him. I declare the truth that He alone is the true and living God. I worship Him. It is my only gift to Him.
It has been Ten Days and I do not know what tomorrow holds. Still, I know who holds my tomorrows. I have wondered when and where and what and why and how and who and on and on. I suppose it is only natural. I am whole and as far as I know fairly healthy. I have this moment only by His grace. I choose to live in the faith of knowing, of believing that He is God and I am not. You get to choose as well. How have your last ten days been? Will you have ten more? Who holds your tomorrows? And when they are done and our life on earth is finished, where and with whom will you be?