Fail or Not?

I’m starting my second cup of coffee. I have checked my emails, glanced at facebook, linkedin requests and flipped through the daily inspirational thoughts. I am thinking about a recent post I put on Ripples (www.Ripples-Book.tk). Please excuse the gratuitous plug. I have measured myself and do not like what the scale has told. The bathroom scale, my diabetes tester, the mirror of the scriptures and the silence from heaven all seem to say the same thing; fail. Not so much of a huge fail, but more of a systemic, what were you thinking fail. Almost as if I had gone into my old college classroom to take a test and realized I had prepared for math instead of history. Now I am looking at my paper at 6 AM and thinking “This is NOT going to turn out well”.

I know if I turn to the counsel of a few good Christian friends I have or the truth of scripture or the gentle voice of God the Holy Spirit or even my own writings from the past, that I will find comfort and encouragement. But I really am frustrated with the merry go round mentality at this moment. Where is this all leading? Where have I strayed into the selfish realms of “I want my life to be more than it is”? Selfishness is ungodliness. Ego-centricity is not God-centric. I seem to want a change of view. But which view am I yearning for?

Outside the birds are chattering, the grass is coated with morning dew and a bright rising sun in a lightly clouded sky let me know God hasn’t changed. For all my proclamation of drawing closer to Him, I don’t feel it this morning. King David recorded that sentiment in Psalm fifty one. He wrote “Cast me not away from your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me”. Even though he knew or maybe later learned that there is no place (Psalm 139:7-10) he can be separated from the Lord, David still reckoned his own selfishness as the primary barrier to the joy  God desired (Psalm 37:4) for him. While I am certainly not David, I seem to greatly identify with his journey of shortcomings.

I want and do not want. And perhaps wanting is the problem. If Eve had not wanted, if Adam had not, then I would not be here in this mindset. But they did and I am so what is next? Is it to be another day of arguing and unfinished half hearted attempts to change? I am not interested in another “been there, done that, got the t-shirt” moment. I want not to want. Wouldn’t it be great to simply be satisfied? If I didn’t have a different set of expectations than God, I wouldn’t want to be god. Can I just be His and be joyfully satisfied with obedience and end all this clamoring?

Peace is an internal, impregnable wall of safety which we escape every time we consider the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life (1John 2:16). We cannot escape the presence of God nor the choosing of God but we most certainly attempt to escape His joy and comfort. We mount up with wings as eagles (Isaiah 40:31) but not in a good way. We have this crazy notion that God will be pleased because we use Him to promote our worldly benefits. We expect being Christian to give us a better life now in the flesh and in the world. A song writer has said “This world is not my home; I’m just a passing through”.

My words proclaim a desire is for heavenly gain yet my efforts and measurements claim otherwise. It is not proper for me to take the treasures of His eternal glory and make them pawns in my game of life to benefit my physical situation. The birds are singing, the sun is rising, and the dew is melting away. I long for the peace that says I am completely wrapped up in Him. I long for His peace to replace my desire. It is not a thing but Him, Jesus the Christ of God whom I desire. To Him I turn. All other ground is sinking sand.

The coffee is good. He grew it, I brew it, and we join in thoughts as I sip. Fail is when I look on me with eyes which do not see the splendor and glories of the heavens. Fail is when I do not ponder all He is and all He has given for me and all He has prepared for me. Fail is when me is the center and He serves me. Fail can never be when He is the center served by me. I long for His peace to replace my desire and I find it when He is more than me (John 3:30).

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