Obedience Part 4

Continued from Part 3

–   As I went through this short time of personal agony I would cry out at two or three o’clock in the morning “WHY!?!” “why me, why this, why the pain, why the shame of being unfaithful, why the lack of communication from heaven, why me, why me, why, why, why…”

I have for as long as I can remember said that it is not right for God’s children to ask why because it demonstrates a lack of faith. I definitely was demonstrating a lack of faith. But we are not super saints. We are sinners saved by grace. We are unfaithful, selfish human beings covered by the blood of Jesus Christ, enjoying the blessings of forgiveness and salvation at the hands of a merciful and loving almighty God. He does not doubt that we love Him. Nor does He doubt that we doubt or question whether our circumstances are good for us. Yet His command is obedience.

I would read the Bible for hours on end. What else are you going to do when you go to sleep at midnight and the medicine wears off before four? There are only so many miracle working infomercials you can endure over and over and over… I read it silently, I read it aloud, I sang it back to the Lord and I listened for His voice. It appeared to be absent. Or at least His voice seemed to be there less when I was demanding and crying out and questioning His intentions. Perhaps I just thought it was there less. I even screamed at the devil to leave me alone. I am pretty certain I heard him laugh and say “it isn’t me this time”.

After I began to soften my attack, I heard the Lord’s voice more often. Sweetly and softly He spoke to calm my fears and ease my discomfort. “Yes, this IS for your good. No, I do not have to explain what I am doing or why. Surely my presence is your comfort as I have promised. Your obedience matters.” His word from the scriptures came in rapid fire fashion through my thoughts dispelling every nonsensical feeling I expressed. Eventually I began to listen and know and accept as I had when I first knew who Jesus was in truth. What sweet fellowship it was then. It was becoming sweet again.

I had somehow forgotten the relief from the burden of sin that He lifted from me when I was obedient to His call for repentance and faith in His finished work on the cross. Now I was being obedient again and His relief was present.

The pain is less now as I write this but not completely gone. It seems to be going away. Two months have almost completely passed since I stopped teaching in obedience to the Lord. The sense of being in control and able to make the right thing always happen is gone, at least for now. I hope it stays that way. I am able to resume teaching soon. I am more confident than ever that I don’t have a clue as to what is best for my future. I am only certain that He does and He is. I’m certain it will include obedience. If I need to be shamed or disgraced to reveal His love and presence in my life then I’m okay with that.