Here is one long lonely thought: Is it supposed to be this hard?
God has allowed that adversity in your life so that you may glorify Him. That which is your limiting weakness is the evidence and assurance of His strength. Who can deny His power, His presence, His personal involvement in your life when you are driven to overflowing fullness in Him by your infirmity? If you have overcome your adversity then you have done well and you may take credit for your tenacity and perseverance. If you can’t do it then He has done in you a mighty work beyond what you can think or imagine.
Beauty is overrated. Strength is overrated. Knowledge is overrated. Wealth is overrated. Position is overrated. Power over others is overrated. And if there be any other thing which measures who you are which is not centered in the person of Jesus then it too is overrated. That includes two arms, two legs, eyes which see, ears which hear, great coordination abilities, sports accomplishments, mental acuity and genius, even your care for others.
He alone matters; what He thinks, what He says, what He desires for you. Adversity may well be His tool for shaping the you He intends and desires for you to be so His greatness may be revealed. That which points credit toward you does so at the expense of His glory. It is His throne, His glory, His creation, His purpose and plan. You are the object of His love. No thing which you can do or think or attempt or desire can improve on His love for you. Knowing this, you can safely say that the adversity which you decry is not a curse but the blessing of the mighty God who has fashioned you as the jewel He desires.
Finally if you don’t get this; if this kind of thinking leaves you thinking that I just don’t understand what you are going through, then let me ask you three questions.
Do you know Him? I mean personally, like the Bible says, have you trusted Him with your eternal soul? Act 26:15 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And he said, I am Jesus whom you persecute. Your very denying and complaining persecutes the Lord who formed you.
Is your heart beating and are you breathing His air? Life is a gift from Him. It is not over until He allows it to end. Psalm 150:6 Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD.
Your life is intended to praise and glorify God. If you know Him and love Him then He is glorified in all you are. If you deny Him, He will be glorified when He judges those who hate Him. Revelation 20:12 And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.
There is no middle ground. It is either love or hate. Revelation 20:15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.
What is there in this life that would be worth having if it means losing eternity in His loving presence? Matthew 6:19-21 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Perhaps it is true that in your own intellectual understanding you do not see Him as He claims to be. Then just do this. Tell Him you don’t understand (yes, even if you don’t think He is real). Then ask Him to give you the faith to believe and know Him. If it doesn’t happen, you might well be right. However, the very fact that you would consider this thought in light of the adversity you have endured, makes me wonder if it has finally brought you to the truth.