Bad Relationships

Recently I saw a statement by someone I didn’t know and I’m pretty sure it was not original with them. It had an element of truth in it but did not ring completely true with me. The premise was that it was better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. As I said there is an element of truth in this. If you carefully define bad relationships as one in which you are honestly and openly invested in and are receiving such negative impact that there is no conceivable hope of restoration.

In that scenario ending the relationship may be best. If you define a bad relationship as one in which Christ is not involved then maybe so. If you are certain that you are a believer and the other person is not and all of the rest we have said is true, then okay, get out and get it behind you. Be alone. It is a terrible place to be, without Jesus.

However if, as is usually the case, restoration is possible then this is an invalid premise. If you are not totally given to the success of the relationship, or have contributed to the failing aspects of the relationship then this statement is in error. If you have promised yourself or others or maybe even God that you would never leave this relationship, then there is nothing other than self-serving selfishness and wicked lustful desire behind this declaration. Job didn’t stop loving because things got hard. Joseph didn’t go over to the dark side, Ruth didn’t back out of Naomi, Haggai didn’t end it all with Gomar when she failed to live up to her promises.

I didn’t even know I was in a bad relationship with Jesus and He didn’t give up on me. I cursed Him and despised His goodness and turned Him away. I rejected His love and attempted to have my own way. I cheated on Him and lied to Him and about Him. It was a really bad time and I wanted to stray. No, the truth is that I wanted to end it and I didn’t care what it cost. Even if it meant His death, as long as I got what I wanted, I was blindly fine with that.

I think of the times when in my marriage this has happened too. When I was not honest or unselfish or living as I aught to do. When she was a bear or I was a jerk. There were times when my ego, my self, my “all about me” felt unappreciated, diminished or slighted. Surely I deserved better and it shouldn’t cost me so much to get it. That’s why her grandma said marriage was more than just a little work. Some say it’s fifty fifty but grandma knew that wasn’t true.

She counseled us to each give one hundred percent or we would never make it through. Having faced hard times, I’m not sure two hundred percent was enough. I feel more like three hundred percent would have worked better.

Now it is almost forty years since we wed. Some of the examples found in the Bible I have read give me hope for many more years, if I can shrink the size of my head. Marriage is never just about me. It’s not what I can get or low hanging fruit on the tree. Marriage is intended to be growing in spite of your friends. Well-meaning family and other interested parties are more than willing to give you advice and promote a false view of your innocence but the truth is that they are not invested in the relationship. At times even children can be manipulative and enjoy the prospect of exerting power over a heart weakened by ungodly perception.

It is not that they don’t pray. It is not that they are not caring emotional feeling warm human beings. They can each proclaim their own righteousness and wisdom from the Word. They can probably give a clear salvation testimony detailing all they went through to come to the saving relationship with Jesus that they enjoy.

They don’t know what Jesus went through for you. Nor can they see how he plans to continue you two. Just as He forgave me and loved me when I was through with Him, now He wants me to get a clue. Even though pain and unmet needs are real, Scripture clearly makes a different appeal. A bad relationship may need much prayer to keep it from going down to defeat when God was in favor of its recovery. A bad relationship is usually bad because there are two people involved. Communication, expectations, surrender and sacrifices fail long before the relationship goes bad. Ego keeps repentance back. Screaming accusations covers emotional pleas for understanding. Longing hopeful hearts stare in silence and emptiness across the vast expanse of the dinner table, unwilling to reach out for recovery.

I see in this thought, the absence of one like Jesus who suffered and bled for me when He set aside His crown. He had to set me aside until I let His Spirit in. He responded to anger with love, to fear with compassion, to envy with giving. He paid a price I was not willing to pay because He made a promise and sealed it in His blood with His life. But I’m pretty sure He would do it all over again. Jesus makes ALL things new.