Obedience Part 2

Continued from Part 1

– My unspoken thought was about the respect and admiration which had been directed toward me for being the “willing to do whatever is needed” servant. Somehow I must have thought it possible that He wouldn’t hear that thought. I was surprised to hear Him say “That too must stop”. I was already experiencing some unpleasant emotions internally and had a bit of a pessimistic view of the future due to the physical circumstances in our lives.

 My daughter had been temporarily disabled a few months after buying a home and was struggling financially. I had always been her safety net but I too had been laid off from work and my finances were getting tight as well. There were other pressures mounting with interpersonal relationships, my wife having to work long hours to try to make up for my lack financially,  my wife’s aging mother’s health, and even poor investment decisions coming home to roost. Then there was this whole issue of not getting understanding from God and His word in the way I was accustomed to. It seemed to be really piling up and people close to me were beginning to notice.

 My prayer life picked up quite a bit over the next few weeks as I shared my intentions with others (this was my big announcement). It was met with skepticism, fear, disbelief and a myriad of other emotions. The response was not favorable although some were hesitantly supportive. The internal pain and doubt was evident in their eyes. Some even suspected I might be planning to leave the church. When I was asked to participate in special services and events leading up to that time, I was a disappointment to those who attempted to rely on me. I would say no and didn’t. I would say yes and failed to be there. I had plenty of excuses but no reasons. Was I really just being obedient?

 And then I stopped. I stopped apologizing, teaching, being available or filling in as I had usually done. The smallest role was too much for me to achieve.  I thought of Job. I didn’t want to read his story again for fear of finding myself too close to his situation. I did not want to suffer physically as He had nor to fall victim to the desire to end it all by the urge to curse the One I loved.

I was affected physically, financially, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and I was certain the source of my agony was the one who had long been my ally and trusted friend, the Lord Jesus.

 I hurt, emotionally, physically and spiritually. For the believer, you hurt spiritually when you are not rightly connected to God’s divine plan and purpose. It has been said that the presence of evil can only exist when there is an area of absence of God. If you have been there for even a short while, the smallest void seems to be a Grand Canyon type chasm. I quickly became depressed and fearful.