What do I really want? Sometimes, we glow with the excitement and wonder of the miraculous blessings of the Lord in our lives. We read His promises and pray and ask and see His truths come to fruition. We burst at the seams with joy and anticipation of sharing with others. “God is good” we say. “All the time” we reply. I know this to be true because I have walked in it. I stand today delivered from several physical ailments, financial and legal issues only by the grace of God. I truly believe that aside from the merciful supernatural intervention of the living, loving Lord Jesus, I would not even be alive today.
Yet today I have another question on my heart. But I wonder what do I really want? I am wondering how best to frame it so I do not insult anyone’s intelligence or offend the Lord. Here are a few of the ways I have tried to express it so far:
Is there any way there are harder days ahead?
Are things really going to get worse before they get better?
Is this just the tip of the iceberg we are going through?
Just how much more do you think I can take?
None of these approaches seem to be working for me at the moment. I know He loves me; individually. I know He is God and knows my every need. I know my heart hurts. I know that I don’t know what I know like I ought to know it. I even know that what I don’t know is a lot more daunting than what I do know.
It is not that I am afraid to ask God the hard questions, because I’ve done that plenty of times before. What I am really wanting is for Him to give an answer to someone else. I want Him to speak gently to the father and mother of the seven year old daughter they buried on Christmas Eve. I want Him to reach the heart of the young mother who just buried her five month old child the day before Christmas eve. I want Him to breathe joy and comfort on the family of the one hundred year old woman who died on Christmas day. I know that people agonize when loved ones die no matter what day of the year it is. But It Is His Birthday we are celebrating. Shouldn’t there be peace on earth and good will toward men? Yet on that day, or any other day of the year between two hundred fifty thousand and three hundred thousand people die. Regardless of religious affiliation or conviction, the end of this life means burdens and cares added to those left living.
So for the ones I know and love and care about, does it have to hurt so much? Do they really need this? And I know what the Bible says. His burdens are light, His yoke is easy. And maybe I’m just not getting my spiritual arms wrapped around the situation in the way I ought to, but seven years old and on Christmas Eve.
I don’t think I’m asking for me. I want His desire in all things. I want to know that I know that I know what He wants me to know. I want to be able to wrap my arms around this sobbing father who wonders if he did something wrong. I want to allow him to bury his tear filled face in my chest and feel as if he is getting the same hug from me his little girl in heaven is getting from God. I want him to know God’s purpose is not only greater but it is right and pure and holy and blessed. I want Him to know the hard times are not over and he will stand as the strength for someone else because of what he endures now. So I guess I just want what Jesus wants. I want to know I am useful to Him. And I want this father and mother to know it more than me.